Church Fail: Preparing for the Rapture this Saturday

In case you haven’t heard the Rapture is occurring this Saturday.(it’s really a shame it couldn’t have waited until Sunday. Imagine the sight when millions of people suddenly vanish in the middle of Church while the rest of the congregation sits dumbfounded). We have no choice; it’s going to happen in 3 days whether we like it or not. And if you aren’t lucky enough to get “caught up” then be sure to dot your “i”s and cross your “t”s before October 21st when God will destroy everything and anything on this Earth.

Forget Jesus said that no one knows the day nor the hour of his return. Push aside the idea that Jesus said he would come like a thief in the night. While we’re at it let’s not even think about how a rapture means Jesus would somehow having a second coming twice or how the doctrine of the Rapture may have been a convenient way for Dispensationalists, in the early 1800’s,to jog around doctrinal problems.

Heck babe, we got insight and knowledge no one else in the previous 2000 years of the Church (wait isn’t that how most heresies get started). It’s called a formula! While we’re at it let’s use some Bible code repeat patterns to confirm it.

None the less, if you want to be properly prepared for the Rapture this Saturday here are a few suggestions before you leave this earth:

  • Since you won’t have access to the internet after Saturday you better
    • shut down all social interaction websites so someone doesn’t hack into your account and falsely lead people into believing you were left behind because you tweeted or checked in at Red Lobster
    • go to this website and fill out the forms so your non-believing friends will know why you’re gone
    • find somebody willing to run your fantasy baseball team. It’s one thing to be raptured; it’s a whole other issue to be raptured and have your fantasy team in last place.
  • Because we know the day, but not the hour you had better find your self in a safe solitary place. Don’t make any plans. The last thing we want are cars, trucks, boats, and planes operating recklessly without a driver if you were suddenly raptured. I would suggest sitting in the recliner in the living room, and while you’re at it you may as well have your Left Behind books and movies out to pass the time until the inevitable happens. Somewhere Kirk Cameron is nodding approvingly.
  • If you have a service, prayer gathering, home group, etc… before Saturday be sure to bring up the idea of selling the church. You sure won’t need the building Sunday!
  • In case you haven’t written a will do so now. With you gone family members will bicker and fight over your possessions. Save them the headache now.
  • Make plans for pets, and loved ones who will still be here. Your dog can not feed itself, and your mother-in-law can’t get her mail without someone picking it up at the post office.
  • Finally, be prepared to wake up Sunday and act like yesterday never happened. Life will go on, this prediction will soon be forgotten, and we can patiently wait until this formula is accurately corrected and we have the real date of the rapture. Whenever that is. However, don’t lose the fact that one day Christ will come back for his Church. It took 120 years, but eventually the flood Noah spoke of happened.
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