Church Fail: Things Your Youth Pastor Wanted to say

  • So at what point did raising your kid become my responsibility?
  • There’s gotta be an easier, and cheaper, method to get teens here then pizza or ice cream.
  • So for pastor appreciation month the head guy gets a trip for 2 to Aruba and I get a signed card with a $20 in it?
  • Is there a way to remove the word “youth” from my title so the 50+ crowd will stop looking at me as a paid babysitter?
  • Ah… paycheck time (opens up envelope). There’s that $400 check that makes my 4 years in college, 1 year in seminary, and $65,000 in student loan payments worth it. Perhaps when I’m 70 I’ll have ‘em paid off.
  • That was the greatest message I have ever given. Too bad I can’t do that on a Sunday anytime soon. Last time I did that head cheese looked at me like I was stealing his show.
  • People keep asking me when the wife and I are gonna have kids. I already feel like the 30 in that room are my own. I think I spend more time with them in a week then they do with their parents in a day.
  • I wish the elders would stop asking me to brainstorm new ideas to get a “younger crowd” here on Sundays. What do they think I do with my time? Envision ways to drive younger people away from the church?
  • Oh great, another hymn from the 1800’s. Even George Beverly Shea requested something written within the last century.
  • I’m glad the pastor listened to my idea about the church having a website; I just wish he wouldn’t have asked me to operate it.
  • That’s the last time I come to a deacon and elders meeting. Every vision and dream I’ve drawn up over the last 6 months was just shot down because we don’t have “funding”. If half of those elders would actually tithe and give more then a $5 we’d have the funding.
  • This Sunday would be a great time to reintroduce myself to the congregation and see if adults would like to sponsor a teen for camp… Pastor just told me he’d “pray about” letting me speak during announcements. Guess thats a no.
  • The teens were so excited about having their own worship team. Were… The teens were too loud during sister Gert’s prayer request.
  • “Miss Evelyn would you be willing to sit in on youth group? We need help watching the teens.” Real reason: deacons assume since I’m single I’m going to make out with every girl in this room during class. At the same time.
  • I wish these parents would stop undermining everything I’m teaching their kids. I enjoy pouring hours into a message just so you’ll contradict what I teach them… and then later assume it’s my fault their so messed up.
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